(The scene: A middle-class home at the end of another busy day of work and responsibilities. Two individuals find themselves quickly caught in that dreaded abyss, otherwise known as The Endless Discussion Zone. Please join us as our characters begin.)
Her: "Honey, why on earth do you have two open boxes of peanut butter cookies in the pantry? Can't you finish the first before you open another?"
Him: "I could."
Her: "Then why didn't you?"
Him: To audience: Here is where it begins. Go one way and I'll get hammered. Go another way and look ridiculous. Yeah Me. I'll play it safe. "I don't know."
Her: "There are also two open bags of chips!" (She dumps one into the other).
Him: "But they're my snacks. What does it matter?"
Her: "You should finish one before starting another. You know, 'finish what you start'."
Him: "Yes, mother."
Her: Glares at him.
Him: "Really? Is this what we're arguing about? Snacks? It's come to snacks?"
Her: "I'm not arguing. Have you seen our pantry lately? I can't find my crackers because of your crazy snack clutter."
Him: "Snacks are an essential part of my diet. Are you suggesting I be malnourished? I cannot give my best as a husband if I'm deprived of proper nutrition."
Her: "Honey, you eat enough snacks in a given week to supply a Kindergarten class for a year. Snacks should not be your primary source of nourishment. Go cram a muffin in that sassy mouth of yours."
Him: To audience: See the double-talk I contend with? Ridicules my snacks, then suggests I draw this discussion to a close by...ahem...stuffing one of those very snacks in my mouth. Someone get me off this island. Where is the plane, Tattoo? "Maybe, I will. And I will be happy. Happy with muffins, happy with life."
Her: "What's wrong with you? Do you always have to be so 'funny'?"
Him: "Do you always have to be so snack-concerned?"
Her: To audience: He always has to be funny, always "on." It drives me crazy sometimes! Just answer the question, buddy. "Yes, I do. I care about your health and I've read the labels of those snacks you love so much. You should consider cutting back."
Him: "Okay, here we are. I'll make it plain and simple. My life is work, family, church, bills, emails, memos, chores, soccer games, family reunions, grocery store runs, DVD returns, laundry pick-up, dog duty, daughter duty, any other duty you can think of. My calm in this neverending storm of minutae, the beacon of light, the hope that springs eternal, the small joy that transcends all, is my snacks. You take this away, you take away my very breath."
Her: "Good grief. Go ahead, build your shrine o' snacks. But not in the pantry."
Him: "Alright, look. I'll consolidate the 8 peanut butter cookie boxes into 4, add the three Kit Kat bars to the bowl of Hershey's Kisses, throw out the case of Pecan Spins (don't really like them.) How about that?"
Her: Shrugs and rolls eyes. "You are simply insane."
Him: "That is a statement I can agree with." : )
Her: Laughs out loud. "Hahahahaha, you always make me laugh."
(The couple hugs, kisses, and the frolic and mirth continue.)